


In her diary

by stevenatalia (orphan_account)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Bruce Banner & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Not A Fix-It, POV Natasha Romanov, endgame time jump focused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 05:05:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19244422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/stevenatalia
Summary: 15th June 2019Steve left today.Nat.





	In her diary

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, this is my first time writing a fic - please feel free to give (constructive) criticism. Also feel free to comment on my grammar! I will appreciate it a lot!  
> I've been thinking about some stevenat scenes from the MCU movies that weren't exactly addressed, and so I thought I'd tap into them a little. Here are some:  
> \- Natasha’s expression when she blessed staron.  
> \- Steve blessing brucenat and his expression  
> \- Natasha looking over her shoulder as Steve and Sharon exchange conversation  
> \- Camera panning over Steve and Natasha when Bruce appeared.  
> \- Natasha looking at Steve staring at photo of Peggy in his compass  
>  

 

_25 th May 2019 _

_It’s been a year and a month since half of the universe is gone, including half of my family. Tony moved out last month into a farmhouse to start a proper life with Pepper and his newborn little girl, Morgan. Huh, another traitor, who’s supposed to be a boy this time. Speaking of traitor, the Barton house had been empty ever since the decimation. That mini bow remained on the same spot next to a tree every time I went over. That family was always special to me, and I really hope to see at least one of them alive, safe and sound the next time I'm going over. Valkyrie updates me on Thor from time to time, says he doesn’t come out often and is starting to binge drink. It hurts seeing our almighty god feeling so much guilt, but it was never his fault. Bruce moved out yesterday. Says he’s got to figure things out with the hulk inside of him away from the base. I gave him a tight hug before he turned around to leave, hell, he wasn’t one of the first few to leave, but it doesn’t get easier. Steve is the last one here, will he leave? Maybe. But I hope not. I am torn and broken inside, all I need now is at least one family member who I really trust to lean on._

_On the bright side, I have some new friends. Carol Danvers, oh I admire her, such a powerful woman defending and protecting the galaxy. Rocket Raccoon, funny, never thought Raccoons can send emails, let alone speak. Nebula, daughter of the villain that took my family away, but I never blame her. She is not Thanos, and I don't judge people on their worst mistakes. Okoye and I have been closer than before, another warrior that I admire, leading the remaining Wakandans. Rhodey, like a true Colonel, flies around the states to make sure the remaining forces are in check._

_I'm taking up Fury's role now, for we have known that he had been dusted as well. I must stay strong and hold this 'new' team together, because if nobody does it, then... Thanos may have also won in wiping out the remaining family, the family that made me better._

_Nat._

_15 th June 2019_

_Steve left today._

_Nat._

* * *

 A dark familiar vision flashed before her eyes. Suddenly, she’s in this place again. _Oh, no,_ she muttered under her breath. She turned to the sound of classical music played gracefully on a piano, as she spots Madame B. standing in the corridor hall, looking through the window that divides her from the few girls in the other room. Natasha stepped closer, feeling the tightness in her chest grew stronger as she approached the glass window. “Again” a deep firm voice commanded.

“You’ll break them”, she uttered in worry, watching the girls doing their ballet moves from outside the room. She could almost feel the fear in them, just like how she was in her very own past.

“Only the breakable ones. You-”

“You’ll break them!” Natasha yelled through her coarse voice as she jolted up from resting her head on her work table. Sweats dripped down her temples as she tried to calm her heavy breathing. Though she was relieved that it was just another bad dream, Natasha couldn't really tell the difference between her constant nightmares and reality anymore. Ever since the decimation and her family members going their own way, it felt like she was back in the Red Room again, as the lonely and voiceless little girl. 

And so doing this job, it makes her feel in control of the situation, much like how she discovered her own voice when she joined the avengers. Natasha felt like she was free from her past, from following strict orders, from training tirelessly, from being brainwashed, from numbing her emotions and from killing heartlessly. This job, made her feel the same way – Thanos wiped out half of the universe, which left her feeling hopeless and helpless in bringing them back, as he had destroyed the stones. So she kept it together, no matter how many times she had forgotten to eat or to have enough sleep, she told herself that she must do this, she must not fall back into feeling powerless and she must not let thanos win in every aspect.

Natasha was always trying to be better.

A minute after catching her breath, she double tapped her phone. The screen reads: ‘1:05 a.m. 10/11/2021’.

Natasha sighed as she leaned back on her office chair. Her fists clenched tightly and squeezed between her thighs. It was a chilly night. She thought about writing in her diary again, as she begins to miss her closest family members. Thor’s drinking got worse and he was still not willing to see her. She maintained contact with Tony and Bruce through text messages, though not often. Morgan had begun to speak in sentences and enjoyed recording videos of herself showing silly faces for her auntie Nat. Bruce figured things out with the hulk, but chose not to return to the compound as he had settled in a place off-coast. Rhodey had been following cases of mass-murder for the past few months now, updating Natasha on the moves of the vigilante. He suspected the vigilante to be Clint, as surveillance cameras in some areas were able to capture his facial features underneath his dark hood. The loss of his entire family had put a strain on him, and so he sought out a different way to manage that anger. Though she was relieved that he might still be alive, she was heartbroken at how he chose to cope with his loses. She pleaded Rhodey to keep an eye on Clint, as she tries to find ways to bring him back again, just as he once saved her life before joining shield. Steve was the only one who came to check on her, though not often. 

She missed him.

Natasha let out another sigh. She kicked back against the table to push the chair back and walked to the window, looking out at the starry night sky.

She thought about Steve. She recalled the first time acknowledging that someone genuinely trusted her. “If it was the other way around and it was down to me to save your life, now you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it?” “I would now.” From then on, she felt a sense of security around him, she had found someone she could rely on. She’d look up to him and admire his sense of morality. He’d become her partner in fighting evil, and they always protect one another. She smiled at that flash of memory, "I still owe you, Steve."

Natasha let out a sad smile as she continued staring at the sky. Her arms folded, as the chilly wind continued breezing. But her sad smile soon stopped. She thought about herself, that she could never be his romantic partner. “I don’t deserve a man like him”, she always said to herself. “ _I’m never good enough for you”._

She recalled the time she blessed him and Sharon Carter before heading off to find her new cover. She gave him a sad smile, hoping he would take the hint, but he didn't.

_5th May 2014_

_Just recently, I learned about the original base of S.H.I.E.L.D. when it was first founded. Nick really never tells me anything. I had to do my own digging. I learned about the founder of S.H.I.E.L.D. and why it was created. Margaret "Peggy" Carter. Steve looked at her in a way a spy could easily analyze. I also learned that she's alive and has Alzheimer's Disease, bless her. I also had to dig into the incident at Steve's home on my own. Sharon Carter, a relative of Peggy Carter who is also an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. - agent 13 - assigned by Fury to watch over Steve at his apartment. She seems nice, maybe I'll recommend her to Steve before I leave to find a new cover for myself._

_Nat._

She recalled back in 2016, looking over her shoulder in the board’s meeting room as Steve exchanged conversation with Sharon. She remembered having mixed feelings at that time. She was happy for Steve, that he could potentially found a new love, one that is a close incarnation of Peggy. But she knew part of her wanted him for herself as well. 

She recalled the time they were on the Benatar on their way to planet Titan. She peeked at Steve, seeing his eyes full of devastation as he looked at the person in the compass. She smiled before comforting him, knowing she couldn't give Steve as much hope and confidence as the girl in the compass could, “this is going to work, Steve”. She wanted him to feel hopeful, so she tried to look positive herself, despite feeling broken inside.

Here she is now, alone in the avengers compound. Nights like these were when Natasha missed Steve’s presence the most. Nights when the silence around the large compound feels eerie; when she felt tired but could not sleep; when she would spend hours in the gym room. She wanted to feel secure again, but she couldn’t voice it every time Steve comes over to visit her. She missed going on a run with him and Sam, she missed training Wanda with him, she missed battling monsters and villains while sharing his shield. Now that everyone else was gone, all she ever wanted was a tight hug from him, because she felt lonely. She wanted him to comfort her and say “I didn’t want you to be alone”.

As she reminisced these beautiful memories of her and Steve, Natasha found tears streaming down her cheeks endlessly.

 

* * *

 The Year of 2023.

Natasha was on comm with Nebula, Rocket, Carol, Okoye and Rhodey while preparing her peanut butter sandwich. She had given up maintaining her health. This was her second meal of the entire day. On good days, she will eat three meals per day, but not on this particular day. She began to cut down on practising her kickboxing as the lack of food intake weakened her strength. She had just come out from her 2-hour-long ballet practice and left her shoes on the chair next to her as she quickly answered the call from the 'new' team. It had been a while and Natasha was excited to hear from them again.

The team ended the call after updating Natasha, except Rhodey who held on to convey the message that Natasha dreaded to hear. She heard about her best friend, suspected to just had a killing spree on criminals in Mexico. To which, she bites into her peanut butter sandwich, hoping to distract her inner self so that she could hold her tears back. She pleaded Rhodey, again, to monitor her best friend, or at least find out where he is up to next. Deep down, she cared for Clint and she is willing to help him in the best way she could, but she knew she couldn't reach out to him just yet, not when she had no way of bringing his family back. She knew he was suffering, probably more than her because she thought she didn’t have any blood-related family.

As soon as Rhodey hung up, Natasha broke into tears. “ _God”_ , she thought to herself. _“I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything”._ Once again, she felt hopeless.

“You know I’d offer to cook you dinner, but you seem pretty miserable already”. A deep, familiar voice sounded from her 10 o'clock.

_God, I missed that sound. His sound._

She immediately recollected herself, unhiding her face from her palms. She did the thing she was trained to do as a child: hide her emotions, though it wasn't as successful this time around. She turned to his direction and glanced at Steve, who was smirking as he leaned against the shelf.

“You here to do your laundry?”

“And to see a friend”

She wanted to scoff. “Clearly your _friend_ is fine”. That word has always reminded her of the time they stole an old truck together. “Who do you want me to be?” “How about a friend”, she could only smile, but from that point onwards, she knew she would not be enough for him.

Natasha proceeded to put her wall up as she conversed with Steve. Even after all these years, she just could not break that wall down, she needed that wall to protect that vulnerable little girl inside of her.

Steve broke off from his model-like standing position, walked over and sat on the chair across the work table where Natasha was sitting at. They looked at each other, noticing how tired each other looked. They continued their conversation. “You know, I keep telling people to move on. Some do, but not us.”

She continued staring at him and began to let her wall down. Maybe, she thought, she could let him see her vulnerable side for once. Maybe, she could finally be brave enough to let him know how tired and depressed she was, as if her soul and light had left her body. Maybe, this is her chance to learn to allow her emotions to be freely expressed, after all these years of suppression and endurance. Maybe Steve would come over to her side and embrace her, telling her she's not alone and that she is already good enough.

“I think we both need to get a life”

She smiled, despite feeling mentally and physically tired, “you first."

The moment was cut with a clip from the front gate. “Hello? Is anybody home? It’s me, Scott Lang, we met in Germany-”

"Is this another message?"

"It's the front gate." Natasha stood up after Steve, surprised that one of her old friends was alive, perhaps a part of her lit up at the thought of the possibility of bringing her family back.

 

* * *

 The whole team: Tony, Steve, Thor, Bruce, Clint, Natasha, Scott, Rocket, Nebula and Rhodey were gathered for a Chinese takeaway dinner the night before the big day. The day they will be divided into teams, time travel to different years and places to obtain the stones and bring everyone back. They had spent days of hard work, trying to perfect their "time heist" and so Tony decided that a reunion dinner would be a good choice. Natasha had never been happier.

Time travelling can be messy and daunting, so they decided to spend the evening together sharing some happy stories they had in the past five years. It was a loud evening filled with chatters, waves of laughter and non-stop teasing between Scott, Rocket and Rhodey. Natasha smiled throughout the dinner, when asked about her happy moments from the past few years, she merely smirked and tried to switch the spotlight onto others. Steve often picked it up and tried to bring the focus to himself, telling the group about his great time in New York.

Natasha could only thank him silently, she didn't mind not being the focus of attention because all she ever was grateful for was that her family is now physically present around her. She missed it so dearly and she was the happiest to have her remaining family back for the first time in years. Deep down, she never complained about them leaving because she always empathizes and understands them. She loved her family so much and seeing them face-to-face instead of on a screen had made her happier than ever in the past five years.

On that night, Steve was in the kitchen with Thor and Tony, each of them finishing off the leftover beer bottles from the dinner.

“Hey, are you guys sure about this? About Clint and Natasha going to… what’s it called? Vormir? By themselves?”, Tony question the two.

“Ha-ha Tony, have you seen them? They can kickass” Thor laughed, clearly drunk already.

“I’m sure they’ll do fine, they have the ship with telecom connected to Rhodey and Nebula’s ship. If anything, they’ll call for backup.” Steve swallowed his last mouthful of beer and placed the glass cup into the sink.

“Hell yeah, remember the time, she- she- you gave her a boost with your shield and she bounced onto one of the Chitauri vehicle back in New York? Man… that was badass that… yea…” Thor’s speech began to lose joy as he continued speaking, “…my brother, Loki. Yea, he… he…”

“Okay that’s enough, bedtime Lebowski, chop-chop let’s go” Tony quickly took the beer bottle off Thor’s grip and pulled him off by his arms. “I’m putting him to bed, you mind checking with Nat on the information she wrote down about the aether?” He then whispered, “I just needed to make sure" before dragging Thor off to his room.

“Sure” Steve laughed at his old friend as he was being dragged by Tony upstairs. He washed his hands then headed upstairs to Natasha’s room, where he noticed through the door’s small opening that it was pitch dark inside. He peeked through the gap and the light behind him revealed a redhead who was fast asleep on her bed.

It had been a long time ever since Natasha could finally get a good night sleep. She hasn’t been able to sleep properly for the ever since the decimation and the parting of her remaining family. Tonight, with her family back in the compound for the first time in so many years, the shattered pieces of her heart managed to be reassembled back together. She was looking forward to the next day, hoping to succeed in their mission to bring everyone back to life, so that those shattered pieces will be glued together.

Steve noticed Natasha’s notebook on the table near her bed, he quickly recognized that it was the same notebook she used to take notes about the stones when they were having their discussion earlier. He tipped toed into her room, slowly and gently pulling the chair backwards, and then sat down quietly. He switched on the table light but Natasha did not twitch, she was deep into her sleep. As he opened up the notebook, he discovered pages and pages of diary entries. They were not written in chronological order, as different pages contained entries from different years and dates. Although he knew it was wrong to be invading Natasha’s privacy, he was curious to know how she really felt all these years. Steve could always tell if one is putting up a brave front, but unlike the spy, he wasn't an expert in reading their exact thoughts behind the built-up wall.

Steve is known as a fast reader, he quickly scanned through each and every word and sentence as he flipped through the pages. Some of them stood out and registered well in his mind. 

[2014] _Thought I got into a world where I can trust people, and they can trust me. I guess I still can’t tell the difference… but he’s different. He trusts me._

[2022] _Punching bags are fun, I missed training with him. Now that he’s gone, it feels like I’m fighting alone again. Please come back, I need you._

[2016] _I learned that Peggy Carter had passed. She's at peace now, but he's not. I had to make sure he was not alone. My heart goes out to him, I hope he’s okay._

[2022] _These nightmares are getting out of hand, please stop haunting me. Please leave me alone, I will do my best to be better, forgive me if I am not good enough, please, stop._

[2021] _I’m glad he came over today, it had been three weeks. Still no sign of Clint’s whereabouts. Tony hasn’t updated me with Morgan and Pepper. He didn’t hang around for long but it was enough. Don’t feel like eating though._

[2015] _Tried to move on from you. But being with Bruce did not feel the same way as I do with you._

[2023] _You caught me crying today. I just wanted to let you know how lonely I felt. But I guess I’m still not brave enough to put down my guards._

[2018] _It was fun today, first time travelling to space. I hoped he felt the same way, but I knew he didn’t. Losing Bucky, Sam and the rest of the family had put so much emotional toll on him, on both of us, on the rest of the undusted team. I hope we can get them back because I want my family to be happy._

[2019] _It’s been a week since he left. My sleeping problems have gotten worse. Dinners are lonely. God, please don’t take my one last source of security away. Without him, it feels… unsafe anymore._

[2013]  _Battle of New York was a year ago. Joining the avengers wasn't part of my plan, I wasn't supposed to be put in the public spotlight. But, it felt great, the six of us protecting the people of the city from outer space aliens and ugly swimming centipede-like things. "Can you wipe out that much red?", well, I guess we'll see._

[2017] _I love you, Steve. But I’m never good enough, and I don’t deserve you. You deserve better._

[2020]  _I'm proud of you Steve, for holding a support group in honour of our friend Sam. You're still a hero and I always admire you for that._

[2016]  _I have lived in houses where people (children, actually) fight one another, but I never felt anything for it. A week ago I witnessed my family did just that, and I was a part of it. Is this what heartbreak feels like? Is this what a mother feels when their children beat each other up? I just want us to stay together, whatever the way we stay together._

[2022]  _The team haven't updated me in a week. Morgan has a cold and couldn't send me any videos of her being all bubbly. Thor, please let me know that you are coping well. Bruce must've left his phone out in the rain, it's been two days since my calls were sent to voicemail. Am I getting used to this loneliness? It is like those times again... the Red Room. Steve, please come back and stay with me._

A particular page caught his most attention.

[26th April 2023 – today] _I have never felt a sense of relief in such a long time. It felt like a giant rock being lifted from my chest. Seeing my remaining family back together for the first time in 5 years, I have never been more happy and thankful. So, this is what having a family feels like? And I know, after tomorrow’s mission, I will experience this happiness over and over again. I vow to protect my family and make sure every one of them is safe and happy. Please God, grant me the success of our mission so that I can show you I can be better, I will keep improving. Bring my family back and wrap them in happiness and safety._

_As for Steve; tomorrow we will be apart from each other, we have always fought together but you and I know we are partners that can work independently, because we trust each other that we can protect ourselves and trust that we will always come back to each other. From the battle of New York, til Thanos. I always loved being by your side, and I will follow you to the ends of the earth no matter what. I can’t wait to bring our family back, I love seeing you being genuinely happy. You have always been selfless and will protect those of who you love. I’m very lucky to be your partner, Steve. Whatever happens, I’ll always support you, I'll always make sure you are safe, I’ll always make sure you’re not alone, I’ll always make sure you’re happy and I’ll always be your friend. Love, Nat._

Steve’s eyebrows furrowed. His mouth slightly opened as he took a while to process what he just discovered. She had feelings for him.

As well as feeling slightly surprised, he was feeling heartbroken, after learning what Natasha really felt over the years. He knew she was having a hard time but not the severity of it. He did not realize how important he was for her, as a person that makes her feel secure and protected, as a partner in fighting crimes and always protecting each other.

He turned to have a glance at Natasha, who was still sound asleep. He bit his lower lips as he thought to himself, " _sorry I hadn’t noticed."_ He stood up, switched the table light off and quietly walked towards her. He could tell from the shape of the duvet that she was in a fetal position, both hands in loose fists covering half of her lower face. He took a deep breath as he leaned forward, his hand reached out, wanting to stroke her hair but stopped inches away. He thought he should avoid waking her up especially when Natasha hasn't had any good quality rest for so long. Steve headed outside, gently closing the door behind him. At that night, he laid in bed thinking he should have a proper chat with Natasha after the completion of their mission. The last thing he ever wanted was to plant another concern into her mind as she headed out to space.

 

* * *

It was the big day. The team stood in circles on the quantum portal. They set the coordinates on their quantum suits and Steve, as usual, gave his wise speech in an authoritative manner, which impressed Rocket and Scott. The team put their fists in front of them, “whatever it takes”.

“ _See you in a minute_ ”, Natasha turned her head towards Steve whilst giving him the smirk he hasn’t seen in a long time.

He gave her a soft smile.

Both of them knowing and trusting each other that they will always find their way back together, just like they always did in the past 11 years. They never lose each other.

 

* * *

_One minute later._

“Clint, where’s Nat?”

Steve turned to the empty spot where Natasha was standing, where he had last seen her, where she said: “see you _in a minute_ ”. His eyebrow furrowed and vertical wrinkles formed between them, the corner of his upper eyelids drooped as he realized the partner that stood by his side was gone forever. Gone for good. 

As the original five members of the avengers mourned quietly by the lake, Steve thought about what Natasha wrote in her diary. He thought about how she had been one of the first people he met from the modern generation the moment he came out of the ice. She was there helping him adapt to the new world. He thought about going on the run together while S.H.I.E.L.D. was compromised, finding the winter soldier, battling Ultron and his army, being on the run for two years after the whole issue with the Sokovian Accords and fighting against Thanos and his army in Wakanda. She was always by his side, even when she left, she always came back to him. 

The most prominent thought he had was about her in the past five years. She had been there trying to bring the team together while everyone else moved on, she tried to stay strong despite struggling to do so, she tried to make sure the remaining avengers are doing well. _Heck, Nat._ He thought. _Why do you care for others so much, but not yourself?_

He felt his chest getting heavier and as if a lump was stuck in his throat as he thought about how lonely she felt throughout the years. He regretted not staying in the compound with her, he regretted not giving her the hugs she wanted so badly, he regretted not telling her how good she already is and he regretted not being there for her when she needed him most. He could only reflect in silence, the team's squabbling amongst themselves fell deaf in his ears.

Only Steve had seen Natasha at some of her lowest points, only he knew how much this family means to her. And she did whatever it takes to bring them back, so that everyone, including Steve, could be happy.

Staring straight ahead in front of him with tears blurring his vision, he suddenly flashed back to all the times they spent together. Then, he realized. He remembered giving Bruce his blessing for the potential love sparkle between him and Natasha when they were at the party Tony set up. He remembered the time he subconsciously felt uneasy when Bruce came back to the avengers compound after being missing for three years.

He realized, Natasha Romanoff always has a special place in his heart. 

However, time is a minute too late, as he could only drop his head feeling regretful while tears rushed down his cheek.

_I love you too, Nat._


End file.
